Another item from the Sinoglot mailbag; again, undated.

Dear Auntie Sinoglot,

I feel quite lost in this strange culture and just don’t know where else to turn for help.

It’s all this punning superstition, you see.

Why must I have fish on the table, just because fish 鱼 (yú) is pronounced like surplus 余 (yú)? Why is it that I’m supposed to fear living on the fourth floor, just because four 四 (sì) sounds a little like death 死 (sǐ)？Why the hell must I like that dismal number 8, just because it sounds vaguely like something which means ‘to come into fortune’? If my pronunciation was that bad, I’d be lucky to get a job even in the lower ranks of the civil service!

This is all so tiresome.

To make matters worse, I’m still not married, so you can imagine my excitement when I received my one and only proposal, at the age of only thirty-eight and three quarters. But before I could even blurt out my “Yes. Please. Take me!” I realised the date. It was the ninth of September 2009. Nine-nine-nine 九九九 (jiǔjiǔjiǔ) or ‘forever and ever’ 久久久 (jiǔjiǔjiǔ)！This delectable young thing – it was all deliberate – he was saying we were to be together forever and ever. How crass!

Of course it was all over for me there and then.

I suppose there are plenty more such superstitious puns waiting to trip me up. God knows I find social engagements difficult enough as it is. But I just can’t seem to come to terms with all this childish wordplay. What can I do? I trust you’ll be able to give me appropriate guidance.

Yours eternally,

[Name and address withheld]

P.S. Should you or any of your readers be able to find me a less phono-numerologically-challenged husband I’d be forever in your debt.

Note from Sima:

I called at Number 4 hospital to see Auntie again this morning, only to find that she’d been moved to room 444. When I finally tracked her down and presented her with her Sinoglot long-service award (a beautiful jade clock) and a kilo of her favourite pears, one of the nurses flatlined.

Needless to say, in the commotion, I was unable to seek Auntie’s guidance on the above letter. Perhaps one or two of our readers can offer some advice.